I apologize for coming late to this conversation. I can’t know what might help you but I can share how I coped with the loss of my mom and my best friend, Shayne.

My mom raised five kids alone in the 1950’s-70’s and in a situation where her ex-husband, my father spent 21 years stalking and beating our family. Mom was tough as nails. She wasn’t perfect, she made mistakes with us but she did her best. She worked farm labor all her life. It was hard and thankless. She had no insurance and so her health steadily declined until she could no longer look after herself. I chose to look after her when I was 16 and I continued to do so for 16 more years before she fought a long, lingering battle with lung cancer.

I took her to doctors. I held her hand. I fought like hell when nurses abused her with neglect and I caught them. I tended her wounds as they took one lung piece by piece and then half of the remainder. After three years she told me that life was “just no fun anymore.” She could no longer look after her flower garden. She could no longer go fishing or take long walks with the dog and cat. For a woman accustomed to a life of strength and independence life became hellish. Still, she fought.

She told me on her death bed. “Life is a gift given by god and gifts are never given back lightly.” She fought for every second of her life because she believed it was the only way to honor the gift god gave her. I was fortunate. I got the chance to hug her every night. I got a chance to say “I love you” and tell her how much I admired her strength. We talked a lot. I cherish those memories. They give me strength because I still have nightmares. See, at the end Mom lapsed into convulsions and could no longer make decisions for herself. Doctors told me they would fight for her life heroically if I gave the word. I asked what mom could expect if they succeeded and they told me, honestly that she might have a little time but she would only suffer. They could not save or prolong her life with any meaningful hope of success. Knowing this, knowing my mom’s wishes I signed the papers to cease treatment. While in my head I know I did the right thing in my heart I feel as if I killed her. I wake every night wondering if I honored her wishes. I wonder if I did the right thing. I can never really know. I can drive myself crazy with doubt or I can attempt to let it rest. I’m working on the latter. I think about what Mom would want. She would want me to let it rest. That knowledge helps.

If I have advice for you it is this. Make the most of every second you have. Cherish every second. Say everything you need to say. Most of all don’t dwell on death. That was the lesson of my best friend, Shayne.

Shayne passed a little over a year ago. He passed suddenly, shockingly, and it stunned us all. To cope I focused on the beauty of his life. The joy I felt in his company. Thankfully we spent a lot of good time together and we enjoyed many long talks. I chose to honor his life and keep his memory alive. I can’t bring him back. I can’t bring Mom back. I can honor them. I can remember them. While they are alive I can love and cherish them. This gives me comfort in their absence. It isn’t perfect but it helps. I only hope these words help you. No matter what, Mice know my heart goes to you. I can’t know your pain. I can only be here for you.